Nicks journal

Man oh man, ive had some crazy shit go down recently. First off, im basically broke and ive been broke because of my SF trip. i fell behind on some bills so i ow my mom money and stuff. I should be caught up within the month though so im not too worried. I do have to make some repairs to my car though, its kinda crapping out on me. there are a few little annoying things that stopped working but most importantly my car stereo died on friday night. i havnt had any music in my car since then and i wont for at least 2 more week because i sent the stereo into best by for repairs.

One of my best friends had his baby on saturday. He is now a daddy and i am an uncle. I got a call from him at about midnight saturday morning saying that his girlfriends water broke so my sister, billy and i all drove down the hospital for support. unfortunately i had to leave at about 3 and i didnt get to see him or the baby. the Russel Eliot Walter was born at about 1 in the afternoon and i still havnt been able to see him.

I think im gonna pass all my classes!

i have a girlfriend, Her name is cynthia. She is really fun, very beautiful, and a sex fiend which are all very awesome. According to her, i gave her the best sex she has ever had. Sorry, i just felt like gloating because that is awesome!

Oh, one more thing. My best friend billy and his girlfriend janna finally broke up and it is for real this time. This is really exciting even though he doesnt have a place to live right now and is really depressed about it, it will get better and i am really happy for him. He is also kinda living at my house now.

hey, this is an essay for my electronics class, i know its long but if anyone has any free time before tomorrow afternoon and cares to give some feedback or criticism, it would be greatly appreciated.


( The synthesizer )

 I wanna know if all my LJ friend think about death ever. 

this isnt like a "im depressed so i think about death" thing, i just do. pretty often.
For instance, (this isnt really death, but it could lead to it), i was diring downt he freeway today with my arm out the window like i always do and i imagined a piece of metal bouncing off the road some how and slicing my arm open. And then i began to imagine the seriese of events which would fallow. I would pull over quickly, get out of the car tell anna to drive, rip a piece off my shirt or something else to tie up the wound with. Then i think even further, i start thinking about the things i learned in first aid, if the blleding doesnt stop, or if its a major artery or vein that got cut i would use my other hand to hold the pressure point under my arm to stop the blood flow into my arm, and then as a last resort make a turnicute. My imagines go even further then that though, i imgined calling my dead to make sure the the bonnita hosipital we were near had an E.R. and how i would explain this to him and how i would keep anna calm. thats about where my train of thought ended because i couldnt see it going much further anyway. 
This all happened in a matter of a few minutes in silence, without my sister even knowing as she sits quietly in the seat next to me.

This kinda of thing happens alot actually. not daily, but i would say at least a couple of times a week, and most of the time not this in depth either. mostly while i am ont he road or sitting around with my mind idle. Sometimes i imagine horrible car wrecks, or my car flipping as i go around a turn too fast, or sometimes its a fire in the building im in, or the building suddenly collapsing. These arent scary thoughts to me though, just, i guess the best way to describe it would be interesting possibilities.


So i wanna hear from everyone else, do you guys think about things like this? or am i just odd?

 god damn it.

i guess all my insecurities were well founded in truth and reality.
girls only like me in short spurts.

 so, that girl that i talked about in my last post, she is my girlfriend now. i like her alot, though those insecurities i mentioned are just as prevelent as ever.

the future still depresses the hell out of me.
and i failed a calc test today.

man today started off great, then was all ehhh, then got good again, then kinda plumited. 
i really wish that janna appreciated billy more, or that at least she wasnt such a fuckin deadbeat.
i think more then anything i wish he would just dump that stupid bitch and never look back.

 man life feels pretty lame right at this moment. my dad started talking to be about transfering to a 4 year this morning. the whole idea of the future and money and everything is really disheartening. I feel like i just want someone to tell me what i want and then show me how to get there. 

Its weird, i can only get myself to be excited about anything in short spurts. something that a teacher says or talks about will spark my excitment, doing something with a friend, playing a video game or something, i guess just getting my mind moving is what it is or just getting putting something in my mind to get the nothing out.

there are good thigns though. im doing pretty good in my classes right now. calc isnt has hard so far as i thought it would be. and tehre is this girl, she likes me, or at least she did last i knew. i dunno after last night and me being so quit and ditrackted from her. i hate being so insecure, especially because im not insecure when have some sort of reason to be, and then im insecure when i have no reason to be. but ims ure one day of being weird isnt going to completely change her views about me. i just wish i could grow some balls.

 Man, shit is weird, though it always is, so in all actuality, shit is normal.

i had to drop two classes. i only have two left. it sucks, but still, its alright.

i have a crush on a 15 year old girl. i didnt know she was that young until a few days ago. she is in my sign language class, so it amkes sense to me that it would be totally unexpected, and it was. i know she has a crush on me too, i need to talk to her about this soon.

And finally, one of my best friends is pregnant. well he isnt, but he got a girl pregnant, his ex-girlfriend. he is going to stick it out though. its not a choice to him which is the way it should be, even though she is already driving him nuts. hes going to start taking some of those fast track career classes next semester to become a nurse. he is a really good guy though, i think he is going to be a good dad.

lets see, im gonna try out my first picture post.
( Golden Hall, Down Town )

oh man, being conscious is awesome.
i was im a genuinely good mood yesterday for the first time, that i can remember, in three months.

 3 more nocternal night.

3 more.

 I uhhh... i uhhh... uhhhh...


one more week of forced insomnia
one more week.

so uhh, other then being more exauhst more often then i have ver been in my life, caring less and less and worrying more about school then i ever have, and being more lost and confused about everything from what day it is to wiehter or not im hungy to what i am going to do for the rest of my life, some new things have happened recently.

first off, i am a few weeks away from starting a new job. Its going to be at the La Jolla Country Club. I will be a golf cart attendent. Meaning washing stocking and storing them, cleaning and stocking the driving range, and DRIVING THE BALL PICKER UPPER THING!!! im pretty excited about that last part as you can tell. i think there are a few other things that i will be doing too, but i cant remember them now. im pretty excited about being able to drive around on golf carts too. there are also some awesome perks too, like being paid $10 an hour starting out, free food and soda and its food cooked by a pro chef, possibility of getting free tickets to padre and charger games(most likely awesome seats too cause they will be from rich old dudes who live in La Jolla), free golfing on mondays, and it will be a good networking opportunity.

but then on the way back from the interview, uhhh... i uhhh.. totalled car # 2. so i am now 2 for 2. awesome. i just hope they get it right and say it was the airshowes fault because it was. no one was hurt or anything, just a series of stupid mistakes on the part of everyone. including my car for locking up. now i just need to find a new one, and im going to get a good one this time i hope.

wow its been one month and one day since i last posted.

things are... weird, though i guess that is normal for me. i am not a not so proud employee at vons. i work the graveyard shift. i take the same 500 products off of pallets every night and then put them up and shelves. very tedious work, but at least i get to listen to music while i work. though lately it seems i cannot find music that i really want to hear, i feel i have heard everything ive got and i dont know where else to turn.

Because of this job, school, and my sibling responsibilities, i only get to sleep for more then four hours at a time 2 or 3 times a week which has made me incredibly exhausted. Along with the exhaustion comes apathy, disorientation, slight depression, etc. which means i am falling behind in school already. at least my finances are beginning to clear up. graveyard shift has its perks, kinda. They pay me $8.95 for most of the time and $8.20 the rest of the time, so i come home with a $200-250 paycheck every week. which isnt terrible i guess.

I really cant remember where i was going with this post, so i will end it there.

today kinda sucked, alot. but it oddly was not as bad as it could have been. it seems that things kinda fell into place with the Captain Squeegee show. its really hard not to smile and be happy when you watch them. but i was still pretty quit and melancholy all day, i guess thats normal after being dumped.... again. i think im getting use to this though, it doesnt hurt too bed, well yet at least. and i was hoping for us a lot more then previously. btw you should all check them out. http://www.myspace.com/csatss

Today was pretty amazing. i didnt get to sleep till about 4 am, and in my slumber i was very rudely woken up by three masked intruders holding me down, putting a pillow case over my head, and zip-tying my hands and feet together. It would later be revealed to me that their masked turned out to be paper cutouts of a picture of my face, and the same image was silk-screened onto t-shirts they had made especially for this occasion. They brought me to a house and when i was unhooded, i was face to face with lauren and achli. The masked madmen turned out to be none other then Darrel, Josh, and Luanne, three of my very dearest friends. Though, to be frank, i knew it was them all along and i was well aware of my own location. Lauren and achli were a very pleasant surprise though. We sat and ate blueberry banana waffles, and then cuddled and watched This is Spinal Tap. I also had the privilege of receiving the most creative and odd gift i have ever been given. It was a small doll about a foot tall that was made up to be scale replica of myself. It had a hat just as i often wear, jeans that are rolled up at the bottom, a black shirt, and long light brown hair. But the strangest part was what was under the jeans. It had a small stuffed penis and a pair of testicles made of little bells that jingled when shook. It was a very good start to a very good day.

I had assumed that all surprises were depleted and the day would continue pleasantly with the company of such fine individuals, but i was gravely mistaken. Under the false pretense of taking a walk to the park, a trap was sprung and i was once again hooded, tied, and thrown into the back of a car, but this time by two different assailants. Again these two made a fatal mistake by putting over my head a bag that was not anywhere near completely opaque. So at first i struggled a slight bit but then enjoyed falling into my role as victim and had a rousing good time of freaking out other motorists.

I was brought to my own house this time, still assuming nothing more then a quite, friend filled afternoon, but once again i was mistaken. I had been properly blindfolded upon exiting the vehicle and was now throughly blind, but i still had my sense of direction and knew i was being led to my own house. Upon entering a grand sight was revealed to me, a kitchen full of even more friends along with some family, streamers, and food. I had just walked into my very first surprise party, and surprised i was.

I was greeted by many friendly faces and very unusual party favors. Beside all the streamers and printed out black and white photos of my face, there was a pinata, which in itself is not too extraordinary, but it was, just as the doll i had received earlier, modeled after me. Again, it had painted on jeans and a black t-shirt nirvana t-shirt that i commonly wear, but even more extraordinarily was the phallic protrusion jutting out of its pants. Again it was modeled not only after me, but me with a massive erection thrusting outward from inside my pants. This was not the only interesting party favor. I was very pleased to find a most interesting take on the classic party game Pin the Tail On the Donkey. This one however was titled Pin the Bulge On Nick and featured me in the same outfit described on the pinata and doll, but with a dotted line surrounding a white area where, you guessed it, my bulge should go. It came of course with 13 pieces the same shape ass the dotted outline, each numbered and painted the same color as my jeans. Along with these much appreciated and comical favors, were the usual party items, hamburgers, hotdogs, cake, soda, chips and guitar hero.

The rest of the day was as entertaining as the morning had been, i will try to be short in its description. Mind you, i was originally kidnapped at about 9am and it is now only about 1pm. Everyone talked and ate were generally merry and gay, and of course those of you who know me know that the word gay usually describe not only the mood, but the actions. The pinata was a harrowing experience, and Pin the Bulge on Nick was as much fun as you could imagine. The party did calm down after these games were played and done with and we all settled in and chatted relaxed and watched Grandmas Boy.

It has been an amazing day, and i thank all of you who participated, and especially those who dedicated there time and effort into making this the best birthday EVER!

So i've been dating this girl named lauren for maybe 3 or four weeks now (i need to figure that out), and i think it is going amazingly. This seems to be my first taste of an actual working relationship. You know the kind where we actually see each other on a regular basis and not just during school hours. I go to her house and she comes to mine. Ive already had lunch and dinner with her family and even been paid to do some yard work for her dad.

She loves to hold me hand, and loves it when i put my arms around her or on her waist and stuff, yadda yadda yadda all that sappy childs play. but she actually likes cuddling and being touched, which was the point i was trying to get at. she is fairly easy to talk to, and i have been able to open up to her more then girls before. She is constantly entertaining, doesnt affraid of anything. She actually kissed me first because she knew it would have taken me forever to do so. I think the coolest thing about this is that we were friends long before i ever asked her out, which, odd as it sounds, is a first.

I told her i loved her the other day, it was even harder to do then asking her out, which was no cake walk. she told me "that was really heavy" and sorta left it at that. i told her later that i didnt want her to say anything she didnt believe and that if she never loves me thats ok, but if she wakes up tomorrow and realizes that she does love me, then she wont be affraid to say it. I think she appreciated that.

things have been going alright with me. Ive continued to not be employed, thats not working out so well because at the same time i continue to be further into debt and poorness. my cars alternator stopped working the other day so i had to spend a few hours replacing that yesterday. what a messy job. i was black from my finger tips to my sleeves because of the grease and dirt.

on the other hand, i am now dating a wonderful woman named Lauren Perkins. its kinda really exciting. especially because we were friends before we liked each other and started dating so hopefully that will put love in our favor. haha.

how awkward is it to ask a friend out or have them ask you out while you guys are hanging out when the answer is no? i would imagine the rest of the time you guys are hanging out that day and the next few times would be incredibly weird, but i dont know. every time i have ever asked a girl out i was so much of a pussy that i waited until it was almost annoyingly obvious to ask.

just a random question i have been thinking about.

im gonna go apply at the elite guard tomorrow. i just need some more money. they dont pay very well, but as im told its pretty relaxed and flexible. i just really need money now.

And anybody know of any good insurance companies that are cheap. my insurance keeps going up i guess. every time i turn around my mom keeps telling me a new number. I guess its up to $220 a month. Fuck this.

at least my car is not dying like it was. the immediate problems are fixed as far as i can tell. i just hope it doesnt die on me, cause then i am screwed.

heh, i guess my paranoia was correct. she was disinterested.

oh well, shit happens.

I was looking through some of the poems and stuff i had written in the past. its funny how shitty they are. its also kinda funny remembering how in love i was or thought i was. How we thought we would be together forever. at 16 and 15. haha.

I was thinking about past relationships, well i think about them a bit, and i feel like shit about a few of them. i had made some some big mistakes with them. i gave up on some girls that i shouldn't have and who deserved more.

Right now, Courtney seems very disinterested. part of me thinks that, the other part realizes that she has a lot on her plate and doesn't have time for things. it just sucks that i haven't seen here since thursday and have barely even talked to her since then. This is not turning out well so far. the fears that led me to hesitate are coming true. its not worrying me too much now, it just bums me out a little.

i need to find a job too. i hope my grades were good, i should check them. all in all things are not too bad but pointing down. i think that things will look up soon though.